TOO WILD TO LOVE

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2009-10-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintenance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around you, or whatever it is you've got going there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me. Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive.

But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

And Clementine couldn't have said it any better.

@#$%!!

2009-10-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

These two little shit's have seriously been my life saviors.
No more!!! I hate being sick :(

October already!?

2009-10-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

You said it would end but here it goes again...

2009-09-30T00:37:00.001-07:00

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes our breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Day One?

"Hurts so bad that it feels so good"

2009-09-22T00:15:00.001-07:00

"Close that chapter, close that book..."

2009-09-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

It took a while to get me here, so let me take my time

2009-09-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

Shut. Up.

Maybe it's my fault.
'Cause you never take the time out to ask
And I won't give you the time of day to tell.

So please, please, please.

Just

Shut. Up.

"SHUP AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS"

2009-09-10T02:01:00.001-07:00

Vegas baby! Back on Sunday!

Could we dim the sunand wonder where we've been...

2009-09-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

2Days

Year Two

2009-09-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

LCOM 1100 / 4-650PM
FINA 1100 / 12-4PM
MATQ 1099 / 4-7PM
BIO 1110 / 2-4PM
ENG 1099 / ONLINE

*3Days :)

Ordinary People - John Legend

2009-09-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

"Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
Maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive..."

4YearsToday

2009-09-03T00:00:00.001-07:00

Maybe some things will never change...

"I made you think you don't understand"

2009-08-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

This one's for you Hars.

Do you know what I think?
I think that people who waste other people's time are annoying
I think that when things are left unsaid there's no fixing what coulda been said
I think that a lot of people underestimate other peoples feelings
I also think that those people who do that need to understand that the door is closed and there's a big sign saying "Stay the F*ck Out"

Don't waste peoples time.
Leave it the f*ck alone.
'Cause maybe it did matter and maybe people do care.
But once you decide to walk, keep on walking.
'Cause if you decide to turn around the only thing you'll be facing is the back of her head and you'll be damned 'cause she'll be holding it up high.

Sometimes, I just hate people.

"And it equals a promise in the dark, so don't promise me"

2009-08-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

& that has literally been my life this whole August...
Dare I say it?

I can't wait 'til school starts again

"It used to feel like heaven. It used to feel like May. I used to hear those violins playing heartstrings like a symphony..."

2009-08-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

"I thought that I could always count on you. I thought that nothing could come between us two. You said as long as we stick together, we'd be alright, we'd be okay, but I was stupid & you broke me down. I'll never be the same again. So thank you for showing me that best friends can not be trusted, & thank you for lying to me. The friendship, the good times we had, you can have them back."

That one hit home.
F*cking bittersweet.

"I got a question why they hate on me..."

2009-08-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

I miss Sacramento...
Better yet, I hella miss those fools.

Time's Up...

2009-07-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna go home...

That's the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what's the use in crying...

2009-07-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

"So I placed my heart under lock and key, to take some time to take care of me."

2009-07-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

"Just because you'll survive and get over it doesn't mean you should let go of it."

2009-06-10T01:07:00.000-07:00

love all over again

2009-05-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

"It's sad when people you know, become the people you knew."

2009-05-23T02:45:00.000-07:00

truth is

2009-05-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

"My nerves have been shaking twenty-four seven and I've stopped trying to calm them. Nothing, and I mean nothing, seems right anymore. Each day gets more dreadful and each day I wish I wasn't here just a little more than the day before. I've been back in a corner for days and no one will pull me out. Being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds. Between the arguments and the tears, I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. I have no clue of what I want, what I need, what I should have. I miss being able to count on you."

Summer Semester

2009-05-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

Psychology 2350 @ 4:00PM - 6:50PM
Philosophy 1150 @ 4:00PM - 6:50PM
Fine Arts 1131 @ 9:00AM - 12:50PM

Note: The following courses held at Surrey Kwantlen.

Call me crazy, but for now it's pretty liberating.

change

2009-05-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

Part of Speech: verb
Definition: make or become different
Synonyms: accommodate, adapt, adjust, alter, alternate, commute, convert, diminish, diverge, diversify, evolve, fluctuate, make innovations, make over, merge, metamorphose, moderate, modify, modulate, mutate, naturalize, recondition, redo, reduce, reform, regenerate, remake, remodel, renovate, reorganize, replace, resolve, restyle, revolutionize, shape, shift, substitute, tamper with, temper, transfigure, transform, translate, transmute, transpose, turn, vacillate, vary, veer, warp
Antonyms: continue, hold, keep, persist, remain, stay

Call it whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want it... It doesn't matter, 'cause at the end everything's different.

And,

life goes on.

wife, woman, friend

2009-04-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my beginning was his end. And after all, we were just friends. Although, in my world, I was his girl though I would pretend to be his wife saying shit like "it's only so many years in a woman's life". Riight, so I gave him three. Yet, he had the audacity to step up to me with his Donnel Jones "I don't know where I wanna be" type shit. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He hit me with the forehead kiss, told me life was journey and he was ready to explore this shit. And I was pissed, to me he was a hypocrite. Like a fake preacher in a poor pit. He left me sick. And though he didn't choose me, doesn't make him right nor wrong. Just because he was the epitome of my life doesn't make me wrong nor right. Like I said, I was his friend, not his wife. And I should've acted within that capacity. And maybe then this break-up would have been just one of those things instead of a fucking tragedy.

And all that I spent being mad at him... Hell, I should've been mad at me.

After all, I was the one who gave him the key to my house and let him hang clothes in my closet, just in case we go out. Not to mention, washing all his dirty clothes just to make a full load. And let him finish off all the leftovers so the food don't go old. For the times we rawed off, because he was all out of rubber or the times where I showed him more support than his father, brother, sister, and mother. 'Cause those same people tried to dial my number when they tried to get in touch. And he received mail in my address just because he would be here so much. He had the control to the remote control, to the TV, DVD, and radio. And even though his name was not on my lease, he got shit in my house that's off limits to me. Like his side of the bed and his stash of weed. But none of this obligates him to me. Because not once did we exchange vows, and if I knew then what I know now then I probably would've listened when he said he had some shit he had to get out of his system. But see I was busy bitching, like I was about to hit him because at the back of my mind all I could fathom was how much I was gon' miss him. But just because I'm crying doesn't mean that I'm the victim, it just means I was scared to let him go 'cause some other chick might get him.

And that was my fault because that was my decision.

I should've never put my heart in my mind's position. But, I, couldn't shake him he was like a bad habit. And all this for a nigga that was just average doing average nigga shit. Like talkin' out the side of his neck and thinking with his dick. But I must admit, he was the one I wanted to commit. So either I wasn't living up to my potential or I was just an average chick. But I choose to believe I was a woman caught up in a feeling of physical and emotional who was way too willing to give her all to a man. And though it may sound stupid, guess what? I would do it all again, just next time, for my husband and not that nigga I call my friend. "

yes i was burned but i call it a lesson learned

2009-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

Wooow! I've been missing out on the internet for a while now, might as well blog right?

I've moved on. Moved on and about with everything. And when I say everything I literally mean everything. It's kind of weird not being able to see street names instead of stupid numbers. It's even weirder calling Nessy at the bus loop ('cause I'm obviously noobie) just to get to my "Vancouver destination" 'cause I obviously don't have a sense of direction at all considering I'm in the middle of no where. Yeah, I know it isn't that big of a deal but the thing is that it really is for me. Who the hell lives in Delta?! Haha, I mean like I know a bunch of people who live nearby but I mean Vancouver's all I've ever known. I know, I know it's not like I'm out of the city but still!!

Sigh, anyway, other than that this house is too big for my liking. It's not as home-y as the 19th Avenue house. But, we have a lot more room now and a lot more closet/shoe space! Don't get me wrong this location does have it's advances like how I conveniently live near a "mall" which include: London Drugs, Starbucks, White Spot, Subway, Chapters, Marble Slab, Cineplex Theatres, Zellers, Save-On, McDonalds, Blockbuster, & (my favorite) Krispy Kreme. Yeah, talk about fattyville. But still, it's literally a 5 minute walk from my house to all these wonderful places. But for me probably the best part about living here is how I get to see Nanay, Ate, Auntie Inie & Larissa, Mommy Lira in no time. Also, I get to visit Auntie Elle just like that. That's pretty much the best part of living in the slums of Delta.

The worst? Not being able to be 10-15 minutes away from my favorite place (downtown) or getting to meet up with Hars on an impulse. Or bussing to school every morning with Bunso. Or you know, just chilling at my (old) house with everyone since everyones pretty much been in that house already. It's probably only been like 2 weeks and I'm homesick (haha). Oh by the way! Thank you to those who visited me at the early/peak hours of the morning/day/night from Vancouver... Gives me hope that I'm not too far away. Pft, being an hour away won't keep me away from Vancouver, don't you worry...

But I mean, out is out right? Moving on really means moving on.

Other than that! I'd like to formally introduce you to a new addition to the Ilano familia...

Meet Nala :)

Mhm'. Her breeders before nicknamed her "Marlilyn Moomoo" because of the little spot she has above her nose and how she evidently reminds you of a mini cow haha. She's very loved by all her Ninongs and Ninangs and her loving boyfriend, Milo. HAHA, yeah I know it's pretty bad. Late nights, training, whining, crying, and spending a truckload of money for her toys/food/etc is worth it. She's the fcking best <3.

kanyway, this blog is sososo long.

Bye :)

i just want you around

2009-04-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

Bye bye telephone
:(

2 more days...
Step one

Just out, out right?

food for thought

2009-04-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

"I know it sounds hard to believe but once you stop fighting it and accept it as a part of you, it's not such a bad thing. It will still hurt, it will still tear you apart, but in a different way; a more intimate way. You can use it. It's yours. It belongs to you. But the pain you're feeling now doesn't last forever. It can't, it hurts too much. You can't live with that much pain - not forever, your body can't take it. Your mind can't take it. It knows that if you don't get over it, it's going to kill you. And it doesn't want that. So it makes sure you get over it, but getting over it doesn't mean forgetting it. It doesn't mean betraying your feelings, it just means reducing the pain to a tolerable level; a level that doesn't destroy you. I know that right now the idea of getting over it is unimaginable. It's impossible, inconceivable, and unthinkable. You don't want to get over it. Why should you? It's all you've got. You don't want kind words, you don't care what other people think or say. They are not you, are they? They can't feel what you feel.' 'You and me, we don't want anything. We want to die, but life won't let us. We're all it's got."

how come they call it goodbye...

2009-04-12T23:32:00.000-07:00

40 days. It's been 40 days and it still feels like just yesterday when everything was still at ease in the house. Where things were still the same as they were before instead of how they are now. I'm sitting here, dying to have everything the way it was before He took you with him. I miss when Ate and I would barge into your room at two in the morning just to tease you. Haha, I miss the way you would get annoyed at us but secretly enjoy we were bugging you. It still feels like you're gonna walk through the doors of Ate's house and all will be complete again; Nanay, Mom, Mommy Lira, Auntie Inie, Ate, Larissa and I would finally feel whole again. I still think that I'm going to see your face and hear your voice every weekend we have a get together like I used to. I'm still hoping that this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be here all up on our faces telling us the lastest dish. I'm still wishing that you weren't really up there with Him because we're all yearning for you down here. Everyday, I'm praying with everything I have left in me that you're up there with Him, watching over us while you finally let Him watch over you.

As bad or as emo as that sounds, or this sounds, you're all I think about every minute of the day. There's not a day that goes by where you don't cross my mind and as much as all of us are all broken-hearted, we're all taking it in day by day. I never knew it'd be as hard as it has been or how it's been. I question sometimes why He had to take you from us so soon or at least why he didn't give each of us a chance to say Good bye to you... But then I think about it and I know that you're in a better place as much as I'd rather have you here with us. Oh Auntie L, you helped sculpt me into the person I was yesterday, who I am today, and who I want to be tomorrow and the rest the up coming days of the future. I have a real mother to start with, 3 beautiful Aunties whom helped raise me like their own, and now a Guardian Angel to guide me.

It's true when they tell you, "you only realize what you had when it's gone". It's like a slap in the face but life goes on. and no matter what Auntie L, I'm going to take you with me. I'm going to take you with me when I finally graduate from school to be a Nurse. I'm going to take you with me when I exchange goldrings at the alter. I'm going to take you with me when I make those bajillion babies you asked from me. I'm going to take you with me when they grow up and leave me behind. I'm going to take you with me 'til the last day I have on Earth. I take you with me everywhere I go but until I get to see you again; Until you greet me at the gates of Paradise...

I miss you everyday. I love you until forever ends. I know you're in safe hands. I can't wait to see you on the other side.

Rest in Peace Auntie L.

when the world gets too much, you make it easier for me to take it in

2009-04-04T02:20:00.001-07:00

with you it's never either or...

2009-03-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

How can you move on if you're still living in the past? And how can you step forward, leaving the past behind if you can't even begin to forgive what the past holds? How can you love someone for who they are yet want to hate them for what they've done? I guess that what it boils down to is this: there are always those defining moments, times that make us or break us, build us or tear us apart, help us progress further or stop us dead in our tracks. And for whichever way we may choose, there's a consequence of equal value. It's a true test of what we stand for, where we came from, and where we are going. These are moments that we live for, breathe for, and fight for. These are the defining moments that leave imprints forever in our hearts, making our souls forever. These are choices that could bring you one step closer to forever or leaving you hostage to the past. I guess in order to move on from the past, you must learn to forgive it. And forgiving may mean letting go.